My solo performance was based on one single experience that happened to me 3 days before Valentines Day. A break up. By text.  Not only did it hurt due to me having no real experience of love before that relationship but I have a very cynical view on love to start of with so it just added more venom to the system as it were. There I was, a shattered damsel in distress weeping over the message on my iPhone. It was a rough few days after as I spent nights awake thinking about any reason as to what I could have done? Why me? What heinous atrocity did I commit to this obviously sane human being?

And then after a few days I stopped. I stopped crying and feeling as though I did something wrong. I decided to be proactive and utilise the emotions I feel about the break up and pour it into the proverbial melting pot of the Solo Performance module. I started this piece venting my views on what love is, on how is occurs and different types of love. However it didn’t seem to click as well as i wanted it too. It was just me sitting there explain my own personal vendetta with something that recently hurt me. It was lacking any really art or even just fun. I had this problem for a few days until I started watching comedians such as Joan Rivers Alan Carr, Jack Dee, Jimmy Carr. I like to think I was blessed in the parent front purely because I knew of these great comedians growing up and my father allowed me to watch their crass, blunt and sharp humour tear apart cute things like marriage, love, family and more. By watching these “bitter” characters play up to a front I realise I had to separate myself from the show in a aspect. But how I would came a little later. Around a week to be perfectly exact when I was obsessing over this idea of “cabaret” or a “event” of some kind. Some of my favourite films, musicals and performance pieces include this act of musical performance. Being a member of the Musical Theatre society at the university I had to put my own stamp on it. In every performance I’ve always played the character that makes the audience laugh with, or at in some cases, and if you don’t play to your strengths then you’re making a handicap for yourself. Incorporating my cynical take on love, mostly inspired by the comedic jarring, monotone voice of Jack Dee and fusing it together with a touch of a “tired jazz singer” archetype and this underlying level of sarcasm I had found this character to portray in my piece. I didn’t know at the time how much this character would actually help me in this process or what other elements would be used but I was content with the structure as it was.

And the co-stars of the piece as well were the mannequins. Originally it was just the one mannequin body that would have served well enough for the date scene but then by adding them into the audience I had this concept of the Singer actually trying to make the mannequin fall in love with him by acting like one. As a line from the show states:

What if you find yourself chasing after someone who isn’t receptive to your adoration? Wasting time thinking about someone who is not returning the attention is another, changing everything about yourself just to please another person is yet another

If your bored, find a hobby

If your lonely, get a puppy

If your stupid… Well that might be genetic.

This act of changing yourself to please someone else is exactly what occurred with me and trying to mask the hurt it caused me the character also has suffered this trauma. This character is a armour for me in most of this piece. However this idea of turning into a mannequin became part of the performance in a sense. The characters movements were fairly stiff, especially when performing the song “Lovefool” by The Cardigans at the start. I am trying to change myself to make them love me, just like I changed so much of myself to make the person I was with love me.

Overall, This process has not just been a release for me but it’s been a therapy. I couldn’t have asked for a better tutor to guide me through this process as well as a fantastic support system with my solo group. Lovefool has helped me realise that love can be better than what I thought it was, despite the bad start. Lovefool has centred me and made me think about how to process my sadness, anger, happiness any emotion in fact into whatever artistic project I’m working on.

If the person who inspired me to do this ever reads this I want to say 2 words. Thank you. Thank you for inspiring me and giving me the creative kick that I was desperately looking for. It’s been suggested that you can’t perform well until you have had your heartbroken and I can now humbly agree with that statement.