The singer is a character in itself through the show. He sings about being “fooled in love” and how he is perfectly fine with that. He actively seeks love but there is a barrier stopping him from fully achieving  a human connection with another. He defeats any shred of sincerity he has and would rather joke about his heartbreak than fully confront it. In a way there seems to be no redeeming quality about the man as he speaks of love and connections with others in a cutting way. His venomous and extremely crude remarks about his own heartbreak are poignant however and behind the somewhat comedic elements behind his anecdotes there is a fragment of a man who was once there. The crooner is almost a lost soul, forever doomed to sing and reminisce about love so in bitter rage he wants to explore this idea of love and commitment.

When I practise as him I feel myself becoming more robotic, and more structured. It’s almost as if this character is not even human himself and is actually trying to explore the love he has with his only friends, his mannequins and his own wild imagination. The crooner when performing “Lovefool” seems to be stiff in the body. He is almost resembling something mechanic as he manages to sing. I’ve came to the conclusion that he is doing this because he is trying to almost resemble a mannequin. The singer is changing everything about himself to become the perfect partner for this false entity. But in doing this however he only further detaches himself from any other living entities he has the chance to love. By the singer focusing all of his attention on this statue he near destroys his only chance to escape this limbo of performing about a love he will never gain.

As a actor you do put elements of yourself in characters, in certain contexts, and the outcome is a more personal one. The singer is undoubtably a construction I have made. If this is a subconscious way of my mind protecting me from revealing to much and putting a filter to stop me doing so is entirely open to argument. I am conscious of the “Lovefool” I am performing as and I am aware of this role in the piece but there seems to be something thats unsettling me. If this character I’ve produced is a filter for me to project and explore about love then what is it protecting? Granted I have experienced heartbreak, as has everyone, but I’m becoming very aware of my own “self” in this performance piece. Is this character actually acting like a armour for me, as the actor, to fully adapt to performing a very intimate piece?

With a very short amount of time running up to the performance the questions of the actor-character relationship is something that continues to play on my mind, and as I explore these questions I find myself becoming more depressed about the failed relationship I’ve had.

Have you ever see a mannequin from a distance and thought it was a actual person? Is it because you just saw clothing and assumed it must have been another human being? I can admit to it. Does this mean that it could be possible to actually fall for a object? To convey a flurry of emotional attachment to a “thing”.

Agalmatophilia is the act of sexual desire towards a statue, mannequin or doll. Richard Von Kraft-Ebbing in his Psychopathia Sexualis includes a section of the “violation of the statue” where he reports a case of a gardener who fell in love with the statue of the Venus De Milo and even attempted coitus with it (Haschemi Yekani, Kilian and Michaelis). This violation of the statue could represent this need to feel masculine, and this savage male desire for the statue does also borderline represent a level of the male heterosexuality at is’ most narcissistic. The female statue is in fact a symbol of dying femininity as the gardener proceeds to rub himself all over it. There is a strong sense of violation in the act of agalmatophilia. The object cannot consent to anything and if, for example, you did kiss a mannequin there is no struggle. A mannequin cannot kiss you back, nor can it love you back because it is plastic. It’s actual quite fascinating to think of the fetishisation of a empty plastic being. Even when you type the word “Agalmatophilia” into Google you are greeted with links to so many porn sites and online stores of “used” statues. All of these dolls are also female, interestingly.

Whilst I don’t want to simulate a sexual scene on stage with the aforementioned mannequin the concept is to project all the connotations I have with love on to this single entity. This mannequin is a “vessel” for not just mine but the audiences experience with love. For every bad date that ended up with you paying the bill for the steak dinner and wine, and the time you were merely just another number in someone’s little black book. Just like when a mannequin is dressed up in the latest fashion labels I intend to label this object as a past, or even future, lover and then tear it down.

Work’s Cited:

Haschemi Yekani, Elahe, Eveline Kilian, and Beatrice Michaelis. Queer Futures. Farnham, Surrey, England: Ashgate, 2013. Print

After weeks of soul searching, researching and digging into my own life a event happened to me that set into motion a chain reaction that would help me in this module…

I got dumped by text.

Now granted that the relationship was only 4 months, but this is not the first time it has happened. Was it something I said/did/didn’t say? All of these questions were circling my mind and driving me to this state of depravity and self loathing with myself. I found myself falling into this metaphorical black hole of feelings that I normally tend to avoid purely because I sometimes feel so out of touch with my own feelings.

My experiences of love have been all different. I tend to avoid commitment because, to me, commitment is a very adult thing and I still don’t class myself as a adult. Before you know it you’re with the person for 10 more years, working a dead-end job that sucks away at your soul, have put on 2 stone in comfort eating and lost all respect you had for yourself. Call me gloomy but the concept of being with someone for so long doesn’t make sense. This universe has so many amazing people, not necessarily to sleep with, but to meet. Why stick to someone you are comfortable with? The idea boggles me. It’s a very primitive way to think of course.

I was close to thinking I was truly in love until I got dumped. It’s like being promised everything you have ever wanted only for it to be snatched away in a instant and you are there trying to put the pieces of you back together. There I was in the kitchen of my flat, crying my eyes out, with a text saying:

“I think we should see other people, it’s just not working, and it isn’t you it’s just me, I have some stuff I’m going through right now. I would have come round to have this chat but it’s been tearing me up all day to know that I have to say this :(“

Granted I respect that everyone has issues. But if we are going to be in this “relationship” as it were conversation is key. If you are unhappy in a relationship don’t be the one that just keeps the other around because you are scared to be alone forever. In regards to my response my reply was simple, honest and eloquent. I merely replied with a simple:

“Thats utter bullshit mate.”

So here’s to my ex, the reason I am making this show. The reason I am going to explore this idea of love, relationships and commitment. Hopefully this project will be able to last longer than we did.