The Fool In Love

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“Love me, love me, say that you love me,  fool me,  fool me, go on and fool me”

The Singer, as a character, and even the actor performing as him are guilty of letting this emotional injustice of a devastating break-up happen to them. If you look up the word fool it is defined as “a person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person” which is actually a rather accurate description of both character and performer. There seems to a strong presence of my own conscious actually protecting me from this piece. It’s almost like a security alarm of sorts that if I just get to close to the issue at hand I just close off and don’t want to do it. But by utilising this aspect of the character I’m able to pass that break and really dig into the core of the problem.

There is a big difference in ” becoming the fool” and “to fool” The latter is more malicious, however could this aspect of fooling the audience be a element in Lovefool? I don’t really believe I duped the audience into a false construction as there was hint of my own self in the show. However it could be argued that I have intentionally misled the audience into believing this “character’s” cynical views on love. Whilst I do agree with everything I say in this piece there seems to be a aspect that has made it heightened, so for example no I as the actor do completely agree that love makes you a slave but there is a part of me that contemplates that if I really think that. As with any performance, or art, there is a sense of heightening of reality and I do honestly believe that Lovefool does toy with reality in the aspect of what is genuine and what is not but I have to say that, as performer and the developer of this, Lovefool was honest. In the aspects of the word “fool” I was merely playing a fool because I am a fool which is possibly the perfect case of typecasting ever. Rounding it up I believe that the construction of Lovefool relies on my honesty. I as a performer need this to be real, and if the artificial aspect of developing a character is needed to get myself through this then so be it.

Heartbroken Boy

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During the module of  Solo Performance there is a huge level of debate inside of me of wherever the input of “personal” either damages it, or makes it better. Yes, talking about your own feelings, emotions,experiences and choices on stage can be a liberating thing but is there time where it becomes a little self masturbatory and self involved?

During the process of this performance I’ve had to filter out certain parts of my own self in the performance as I don’t want to represent this cliché of a heartbroken guy who just can’t love ever again. It actually annoys me a little how I find myself putting parts of my own self into it, instead of focus on building this character. The Singer is meant to act as my “guardian angel” in this piece, and whilst he does to this there is still this level of my own person. It’s not necessarily a bad thing at all but as I develop the script further I find myself putting far too much content relating to my own experience in love and heartache.

I’ve allowed myself to have one segment where I am honest and upfront with my feelings about the situation. In a episode of me reliving the sadness caused by the break up I penned a honest and upfront few verses of me addressing my ex-lover. In this point of the shoe I will step out from the character and address the audience as myself, as Kieren. Below is what I wrote:

 We ruined each other by being together.Like a dying star we collapsed into to each other because we just lost the matter. Any attraction we once had was gone and instead it was replaced with bitterness and aggression. I’m not proud of being with you and that damages me to say. And yet here I am professing how I despise love. How much of a hypocrite do I sound? I hate certain elements of love yet I actively search it. Absolute bullshit. All I can do is make fun of my broken heart, because that’s the only reason I know how to deal with the hurt.

 But it’s getting better. I’ve learnt to not love as hard as I can. I’ve learnt to never accept something if I have doubts. I’ve learnt to never take something for face value. And now with this I can finally get over you.

This is me completely tearing open the anatomy of the failed relationship. And now hopefully after the show as well, I will be allowed to close this chapter of my life and be  able to move onto something better.

Promotion of Lovefool

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I’ve made a Facebook event for Lovefool and invited many of my friends, foes and all of those in between. I’ve also invited the person who broke up with me to come and watch, which could be a very interesting factor on the morning of the show. I don’t know how I would feel to have the mannequin resembling them and then there they are, just sat there, watching me tear our commitment to one another to shreds and how I still feel so cut by the words they had said. I personally feel it will either greatly help my performance, or completely tear me apart inside as I perform. The mannequins are still in the works, but I have email Martin Rousseau, a techie, to help me acquire some in the props cupboard. Hopefully by this time next week I will have a set of mannequins to incorporate into my show.

 

The Facebook line to my show is: https://www.facebook.com/events/881030631957631/

Death Of Sex

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In further research of love in general I have developed a short segment right after the part where I step out from the character and address the audience. This segment is one thats almost a very tongue in cheek jab at today’s hook up culture. I will relay actual pick up lines to the audience that may or may not have worked and then leave. It may cheapen the meaning a little of the show but any lack of integrity I had will be gone when I repeat the word “fuck” five times in the segment about how using the word “it’s not you, it’s me” is a bad way to break up with someone.

Below are actual pick up lines, some amuse me and other disgust me:

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put my D in U.

Do you live in a corn field? Because I’m now stalking you.

I just shit my pants… Can I get in yours?

 I want to melt in your mouth… Not in your hand.

I have also decided to end this moment with the ever so classily readjusted way of saying “I hate to see you go, but love to watch you leave”. This is probably my most the highest point of my acting in my whole time at this university:

And finally I know that it’s gonna be hard for you to see me go, but I know you’re gonna love watching me leave.

I used this idea of adding pick up lines purely to make light of this hook up culture we as young people have nowadays. We have downloaded apps on our phones like Tinder or Grindr to purely scout for available people who are willing to have sex with you. Long gone are the days of courting your lover to a midnight row boat picnic and under the stars you will profess both of your undying love for one another and make love for 5 minutes. No they are long gone. Today we exchange pictures of our genitals before we even know the other persons name and then arrange a soul crushing hour of mediocre sex with someone we wouldn’t even be interested in if we saw them on a nigh tout. It’s this idea of just having sex on tap that confuses and bewilders me so. Having sex whenever you want actually cheapens any type of love you will ever have because if you want a cuddle, you can just check your app. Everyone is guilty of at least one instance of this happening and that’s completely fine but to have countless notches on your bedpost surely is not a good look? It’s this death of love and sex that I just had to incorporate a element of into the show.

The Singer

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The singer is a character in itself through the show. He sings about being “fooled in love” and how he is perfectly fine with that. He actively seeks love but there is a barrier stopping him from fully achieving  a human connection with another. He defeats any shred of sincerity he has and would rather joke about his heartbreak than fully confront it. In a way there seems to be no redeeming quality about the man as he speaks of love and connections with others in a cutting way. His venomous and extremely crude remarks about his own heartbreak are poignant however and behind the somewhat comedic elements behind his anecdotes there is a fragment of a man who was once there. The crooner is almost a lost soul, forever doomed to sing and reminisce about love so in bitter rage he wants to explore this idea of love and commitment.

When I practise as him I feel myself becoming more robotic, and more structured. It’s almost as if this character is not even human himself and is actually trying to explore the love he has with his only friends, his mannequins and his own wild imagination. The crooner when performing “Lovefool” seems to be stiff in the body. He is almost resembling something mechanic as he manages to sing. I’ve came to the conclusion that he is doing this because he is trying to almost resemble a mannequin. The singer is changing everything about himself to become the perfect partner for this false entity. But in doing this however he only further detaches himself from any other living entities he has the chance to love. By the singer focusing all of his attention on this statue he near destroys his only chance to escape this limbo of performing about a love he will never gain.

As a actor you do put elements of yourself in characters, in certain contexts, and the outcome is a more personal one. The singer is undoubtably a construction I have made. If this is a subconscious way of my mind protecting me from revealing to much and putting a filter to stop me doing so is entirely open to argument. I am conscious of the “Lovefool” I am performing as and I am aware of this role in the piece but there seems to be something thats unsettling me. If this character I’ve produced is a filter for me to project and explore about love then what is it protecting? Granted I have experienced heartbreak, as has everyone, but I’m becoming very aware of my own “self” in this performance piece. Is this character actually acting like a armour for me, as the actor, to fully adapt to performing a very intimate piece?

With a very short amount of time running up to the performance the questions of the actor-character relationship is something that continues to play on my mind, and as I explore these questions I find myself becoming more depressed about the failed relationship I’ve had.